Dermatillomania

One day, when I was much younger in elementary/grade school, I was supposed to go up to bat in a game of baseball. I was so nervous. I scraped my fingernail across the inside of my thumb over and over and over again. Someone asked me what I had done to my thumb. I looked at them questioningly then looked down. There was a large bubble of blood sitting attop my finger.

"I picked it," I replied.

I still don't know if I was allowed not to bat because I'd injured my thumb or because it was obvious how nervous I was.

I once saw a picture of myself from kindergarten. I had my hand up to my neck in a gesture I knew all too well. I knew what the fingers were doing without having to see them. My thumb was horizontal and my fingers were pulling the soft skin of my neck over it again and again. I knew I wasn't aware of it at the time. It was at a birthday party.

I was with my friend J. Ayala once. I was telling her a story. I had mindlessly pulled up the sleeve of my shirt and started pulling the skin over my thumb on the inside of my arm. She stopped me and asked, "Why do you do that?"

"Do what?" I replied.

"Mess with your arm. Everytime you tell a story you do that."

I explained to her that I'd always done it. I didn't know why.

For a while I was able to control myself. I'd simply acknowledge what I was doing, picking my neck or my arm, and watch myself do it and eventually I could stop without the stress of telling myself "Stop that!" and feeling guilty for it.

I can't say why I do this. Most people with Dermatillomania injure themselves. I've only done that once or twice and the most common place I bleed is my lips which I've kept the picking at bay by using Aquaphor on them and preventing them to become dry enough to be enticing enough to pick. I don't really pick until it bleeds on my neck, though lately I have been entranced with scraping my back blindly of any dead skin. I have since developed more acne there as a result of oils and aggravation.

For a while I had an acne cluster on my right cheek from rubbing my fingers across the surface of the skin.

I don't know why I developed this habit. Usually it's from an event that happened or inner emotions that can't be expressed normally. I know that even if I notice I'm doing it while I'm doing it (if I'm not injuring myself) it feels almost good to have the soft skin of my neck or inner arm on the tips of my sensitive fingers. And I like the feeling of my fingers rubbing my neck there, too. I also like to roll small bits of dry skin or anything grainy in my fingers.

If you look too closely at my neck, slightly to the left there is a moderately rough patch of skin that is the result of years of subtle abuse.

I've gone past thinking that this is an odd disorder and I certainly don't think that my level of it is soon to become detrimental to my health. I've read about people who've scratched their neck so much that they had to have skin grafts and then scratched those off. I'm certainly not that bad.

But I am a bit embarassed for it. I find whenever I do say "You know, one of my oddities is picking my neck," I get a very uncomfortable response. Some people laugh and some people just don't know what to say.

But, ya know, that's how I'd react too. It doesn't really come up and it hadn't really been an issue until recently when I realized how terribly bored I was with work and started pulling at my neck skin obsessively again. I think I'm just going to soak myself in lotion.

Anyone know if they sell lotion by the gallons?