Is Birth Null When You're Dead?

P.S. Carter died a few months ago. Today is her birthday. I don't know what to think. Should a birthday still be celebrated a la the beautiful collection of flowers sitting more than a foot high on my desk top for everyone to see in celebration...?

Ya gotta wonder if it's a little moot to celebrate the anniversary of the physical appearance of someone to the world. I mean, there they are, dead and doing whatever dead people do and they don't have cake or presents and it just seems a little...

Well I dunno. Happy birthday? Congratulations on living how long you did? Sorry bout the whole death thing. Do they serve cake in heaven? I don't think a corpse would look very good with a pointy paper hat atop its head. But...

It's just days like this we can't help but remember. The lifespan of our friends is shorter than those of strangers no matter how long they live in comparison. It hurts, and it's supposed to. Don't argue with the feeling. Don't say a stab in your back tickles, because it doesn't.

Ceremony is addictive. People are addictive. Friends are addictive. They're common. They're something that's been strung into your memory like fishline through a column of glass beads. If someone takes your friends away everything comes crashing down and the glass beads break into fragments. You do your best to pick it all back up but glass it sharp. It hurts. It's supposed to hurt. Without the hurt we'd never know anything was wrong.

If you take away the keystone from an arch you can't expect the rest not to come falling down on your head and you can't pretend it hasn't. Even animals have a pattern. If you have a pet try altering your schedule. See if your cat doesn't give you a hassle or your dog whimper in confusion.

Here's the thing. I miss P.S. Carter. I miss L. Livesay. I miss my grandfather. My mind misses them. My existence misses them. I've never been one for habit. Everything varies and changes. But don't take away my fishline. That's just mean. I've got pretty beads on that. That bit of line had a job. I don't go cutting up your pretty things.

I don't know if I have enough glue for this. Is there a metaphorical into literal supply store in K-town?

currently: Not quite right for the job.

current piece of writing:

Depression Impression

by Corey Johnson

Depression impression
Seclude and re-lube
Ignite, insight
Insert and repeat.

Johnson, Corey. "Depression Impression." Comp. Keith Norris. Ed. Nick Sewell. Imaginary Gardens (2007).

An arts and literary journal published by PSTCC.

don't overthink it.

This morning I woke up in my recliner in the living room.

I went to the bathroom after watching a cartoon. I took a cleansing pad and ran it over my nose, cheeks, chin, and forehead. I pushed my hair over to the side and clipped it with a green barette. I gathered up free samples of makeup that my mom recieved in the mail and went back to my bathroom and looked in the mirror. I put lipgloss on my eyelids before realizing it was lipgloss. I then put it on my lips. I put "translucent" powder on. It was a pale peach despite its claims to the contrary. My inside commentary was unimpressed by the show. Mediocre performance lacking substance. I brushed my teeth.

I went to work. Nothing seemed particularly special. It was one of those days where red looked just as impressive as gray. It was one of those days that you realise just how mundane the overall atmosphere of life is: how repetitive, how predictable, how judgemental, and how boring.

I'm a fangirl by trade. I'm "obsessed with obsessions."-J.Zuniga I never keep one for too long before it drops by the wayside. I have trouble paying attention and I have trouble keeping interest. My inspirational sparks come with a complementary pan. Not even a pan that you pay for legitimately with your purchase but a prepurchase enticement like one of those really small free knives that the kiosks will give you in the mall to convince your to buy the whole collection.

But while I'm sailing that spark of obsession or inspiration I'm true to it. I lap it up like a starved puppy. If I kept the obsession long enough I'd build enough steam to paint shirts and signs in celebration of it. But it never gets to that level. I might do a paper drawing or two, but never beyond.

The road block is, when planning something extrodinary, is that I overthink things. I live in the future of the event. I get myself worn out and bored with it before I've even laid the first stone. I predict how things will rise and fall and ultimately decide it's better to have not tried and not failed than to run the risk of catastrophe. I not only look before I leap but I imagine that I've already lept and broken a leg. I can literally talk myself out of anything.

I'm planning something. I was exchanging messages with Sxip Shirey just a few moments ago (how odd that is to say...I feel a bit fangirly for it). He has this amazing video on youtube right now:
Sxip Shirey playing bowls with red marbles.

I replied to his video with a few haikus. I know that youtube doesn't allow ample space in which to build a large poem and I do like the simplicity and hidden complexity of a haiku.

He responded to me saying "The best response to art is more art."

In my haphazardly bumbly way I responded with an idea that there needs to be an exhibit where in a piece of art is put on show and throughout the term of the exhibit other artists put their own art up as a response to the initial art.

In response I got something to the effect of "go ahead and do it," as if giving me permission to express myself. It's much different saying it like that than saying "Do it!" because it's a suggestion, an allowance as apposed to a direct order. I'm very adverse to order. I don't take it very well. Unless I'm completely clueless or I have no passion in my profession I usually will not take order in my everyday life.

I told myself, I think I'll do this, then. We volleyed a few comments back and forth. I bounced a few ideas off of Sxip Shirey. Notice how I use his full name? That's the fangirl in me. It's flabbergast worthy to say I chit-chatted with someone who I admire. It'll pass. But, for now it's perpetuated by the fact that I keep on repeatidly getting inspired by this man. I try and remind myself he's just another schmuck like everyone else. It's not quite sticking yet, I'm afraid. I fear our meeting again. I might explode out of my eyeballs at this point.

At any rate, all fangiggling aside, the last message he left me carried very important words "don't overthink it." I do that. A lot. As I've mentioned before (I'm hardly redundant...).

The conclusion to this (it's here somewhere) is that if there are any artists who would like to participate in this planned gallery (of a sorts) please feel free to contact me via this entry. Whatever comment you put here will be sent directly to my email. It helps a great deal if you're from K-town, TN. If not and you feel incredibly inspired despite it, we'll figure something out.

This is my spark. I've no clue how it's going to turn out and I'm trying my darndest to keep it that way.

currently: A bit gassy, actually.

current picture:

I don't believe in miracles. You sexy thang.

I find myself at a sort of precipice. Well, maybe it's not so much a precipice as an extreme of a state of being. I have moments that are short lived like the spikes on a heart monitor where I am in ultimate committment (or noncommittment in this case) of an idea or way of living. Right at this moment I don't believe in anything. I don't believe in God nor Jesus nor Miracles nor aliens nor a higher state of being. I don't believe in the power of dreams or the monster in my closet. I am sterile to it.

It's not even an uncertainty (though it will be tomorrow). It is a definite decision (and it is a decision, not an epiphany, just a decision) that I just don't believe it anymore. I don't disbelieve it. It's not even on my radar for consideration, I think, is a more proper way to put it. Maybe it's the fact that I'm too lazy for the energy it takes to believe in things I can't otherwise see.

I don't think I've mentioned this before in this blog but there is a plague of depression running through my genes. As if depression is a disease and I suppose it is, brainwise. Mother Green has it and Father Green does as well. I suppose saying my entire family is a bit neurotic is a cop-out of a sorts as everyone else's family is mostly neurotic as well. I'd chance to say that the entire country of the U.S. has some sort of depression developed from the plethora of activities available to give momentary happiness.

I've had momentary happiness several times in my life. I've never really gone through a long stretch of constant contentment, though. Not many people have. I've never really felt confident in the strides of my life at any point. I'd like to think there was at least someone out there living life in a way that made them content and that their default emotion was acceptance or forgiveness or something of the sort of satisfied feeling that I never really remember rightly experiencing.

I think my default emotion is apathy, to be completey honest. Maybe there's an underlying sort of malignant doubt lingering in it which really is a dangerous way to be. Doubt is about the worst emotion right under fear (they go hand in hand, going steady I hear) to have, I believe. It causes you to second guess your best intentions. It's sort of like if you're in a car heading toward a wall and you're thinking, "I should stop! Wait, should I?" and before you've balanced the pros and cons you're tomato puree in a ziploc baggy.

And I suppose I just don't care anymore. I'm bored, but I'm so doubtful of myself that I don't realize how bored I am and so it seems like I'm living a very exciting life at times as my body is always playing on pretend threats to my well-being but my mind is stagnant and dying, turning gray and succumbing to others opinions. I was always a people pleaser anyway. It was always, if I keep them happy I don't have to face the consequences to me of them not being happy. I was introverted and self-conversational. I told myself stories and to keep myself attentive I made them more and more exciting. My internal entertainment has followed quite nicely with the external worldly entertainment of sensationalism and over-exageration and repetitive story lines. I'm living in syndication.

currently: Oh ho hum with it.

current piece of writing:
NEW! Gift Bears by Boyds (r)
A clever choice, lovable plush delivers your gift card, phone card, or cash. Fully jointed, 5" beribboned bears each present an embroidered felt holder.
Happy Birthday 6.99
You're the Best 6.99
-Colorful Images (r) Unique Personalized Products, Home De'cor & Gifts catalogue.

Escapism!!!

What war? Where? What are you talking about? Economical distress? I'm sorry, I can't hear a darn word you're saying, man, over that police officer shootin' up the bad guys. Look at this guy cut open this dead guy. It's fake but, man, that's gross. Dude! They're fighting over a bottle of soda! That's messed up! I love reality TV. Oh my Gawd! Aliens from outer space! Man, that's so friggin' fake. Look, I can show you how they do all that crap on my computer. I just downloaded this illegal copy of "Make Really Impressive Graphics in Movies: Fug up your computer at the same time." It rawks!

Dude, that chick just died, let's fight her baby's daddy's custody war. War? No, I've never heard of it. Hey man! Friggin' dancing friggin' penguins dude! They're friggin' dancin'! So cute. Dude, chick looks bad with her pinball noggin' stickin out, all bald and such. First she shows her hoo ha and now this? She's messed up. Makes me happy I'm not in any distress. Like that. It's not like my country's at war or anything. It's not like I can't hardly make the finances to pay for the basic necessities let alone that new dvd box set of that show I will watch many times until I can satisfy myself that life is okay again.

I could buy some shoes, that would help. I've wanted another pair of converses. Of chucks. You know, all stars. Like the cool people say. I can't deny that in the back of my mind I know that something isn't quite right, but I can't quite inspire myself to check out what it is. Seems like things are falling apart, but I can't figure how to put them back together again while I'm watching this ad(vert[tisement]) for super sticky never let go glue. Isn't it wierd, in those commercials, how the guy is talking more about how the glue can hold him up by his worker's helmet at some insane height from the ceiling and that's the thing you remember more than anything? But I can't remember them ever showing a shattered vase being put back together. It must be more important to hold onto things that are hard to keep than put back together something that's broken, I imagine.

I've been eyeing this pair of pajamas on sale but I let the sale pass because they're a pair of pajamas, something I hardly wear anyway. I also let the sale pass on a pair of shoes because they were for novelty purposes. I bought a mousepad the other day and a clock. I don't know why. I want to take the clock with me to England and the mousepad has this large question mark over it like it's in perpetual pondery of its existence. I suppose if I was a mousepad I would be, too. You can never go anywhere but you help to protect and inspire someone else's journey.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to watching TV and illegal shows off of video upload sites. Well, the shows aren't illegal, the downloading of them is. I feel like the last few days have been a scrambling away from the inevitable fire/flood/put your own metaphor for possibly catastrophic change here. And I quite like it how it is, now. I won't in a few days. But for right now it feels really good running away.

currently: on the edge of an ephiphany

current piece of writing:

Piece selection inspired by J. Locke

As a Wife Has a Cow: A Love Story, by Gertrude Stein

Nearly all of it to be as a wife has a cow, a love story. All of it to be as a wife has a cow, all of it to be as a wife has a cow, a love story.

As to be all of it as to be a wife as a wife has a cow, a love story, all of it as to be all of it as a wife all of it as to be as a wife has a cow a love story, all of it as a wife has a cow as a wife has a cow a love story.

Has made, as it has made as it has made, has made has to be as a wife has a cow, a love story. Has made as to be as a wife has a cow a love story. As a wife has a cow, as a wife has a cow, a love story. Has to be as a wife has a cow a love story. Has made as to be as a wife has a cow a love story.

When he can, and for that when he can, for that. When he can and for that when he can. For that. When he can. For that when he can. For that. And when he can and for that. Or that, and when he can. For that and when he can.

And to in six and another. And to and in and six and another. And to and in and six and another. And to in six and and to and in and six and another. And to and in and six and another. And to and six and in and another and and to and six and another and and to and in and six and and to and six and in and another.

In came in there, came in there come out of there. In came in come out of there. Come out there in came in there. Come out of there and in and come out of there. Came in there, come out of there.

Feeling or for it, as feeling or for it, came in or come in, or come out of there or feeling as feeling or feeling as for it.

As a wife has a cow.

Came in and come out.

As a wife has a cow a loves tory.

As a love story, as a wife has a cow, a love story.

Not and now, now and not, not and now, by and by not and now, as not, as soon as not not and now, now as soon now now as soon, now as soon as soon as now. Just as soon just now just now just as soon just as soon as now. Just as soon as now.

And in that, as and in that, in that and and in that, so that, so that and in that, and in that and so that and as for that and as for that and that. In that. In that and and for that as for that and in that. Just as soon and in that. In that as that and just as soon. Just as soon as that.

Even now, now and even now and now and even now. Not as even now, therefor, even now and therefor, therefor and even now and even now and therefor even now. So not to and moreover and even now and therefor and moreover and even now and so and even now and therefor even now.

Do they as they do so. And do they do so.

We feel we feel. We feel or if we feel if we feel or if we feel. We feel or if we feel. As it is made made a day made a day or two made a day, as it is made a day or two, as it is made a day. Made a day. Made a day. Not away a day. By day. As it is made a day.

On the fifteenth of October as they say, said anyway, what is it as they expect, as they expect it or as they expected it, as they expect it and as they expected it, expect it or for it, expected it and it is expected of it. As they say said anyway. What is it as they expect for it, what is it and it is as they expect of it. What is it. What is it the fifteenth of October as they say as they expect or as they expected as they expect for it. What is it as they say the fifteenth of October as they say and as expected of it, the fifteenth of October as they say, what is it as expected of it. What is it and the fifteenth of October as they say and expected of it.

And prepare and prepare so prepare to prepare and prepare to prepare and prepare so as to prepare, so to prepare and prepare to prepare to prepare for and to prepare for it to prepare, to prepare for it, in preparation, as preparation in preparation by preparation. They will be too busy afterwards to prepare. As preparation prepare, to prepare, as to preparation and to prepare. Out there.

Have it as having having it as happening, happening to have it as having, having to have it as happening. Happening and have it as happening and having it happen as happening and having to have it happen as happening, and my wife has a cow as now, my wife having a cow as now, my wife having a cow as now and having a cow as now and having a cow and having a cow now, my wife has a cow and now. My wife has a cow.